The Hogwarts Expresso
by 454647675
Summary: What do you get when you mix an author, a cup of coffee and an SIYE challenge? The Hogwarts Expresso of course! Brilliant plot, nailbiting humor and Bumpkin Juice at only 3sickles a cup? My first try at humor and an SIYE challenge I present, Murder.


The Hogwarts Expresso by aprilmoon92

**Summary:** What do you get when you mix an author, a cup of coffee and an SIYE challenge? The Hogwarts Expresso of course! Brilliant plot, nail-biting humor and Bumpkin Juice-- at only 3sickles a cup? My first try at humor and an SIYE challenge; I present, Murder on the Hogwarts Express.  
**Rating:** PG ￹FPRIVATE "TYPEPICT;ALThalf-star"  
**Categories:** Post-OotP, SIYE Challenges, Hogwarts Express (3-2006) Challenge  
**Characters:** None  
**Genres:** None  
**Warnings:** None  
**Challenges:** None  
**Series:** None  
**Published: **2006.06.25  
**Updated: **2006.06.25 

The Hogwarts Expresso by aprilmoon92

Chapter 1: The Hogwarts Expresso: The Movie?**Author's Notes:**

**Disclaimer: This is JKR's world, I'm just messing in it.**  
_A/N: Mix together a hyperactive author, the depression of the end of the holidays, a pen, a post-it pad, a/an SIYE challenge (my first) and a magical cup of coffee and what do you get? Read on to find out (Actually you get a really messy post-it note and The Hogwarts Expresso!!!!) Written for the 2006 Hogwarts Express Challenge... There's no category for humor, but- oh well. xP Enjoy :)_

The Hogwarts Expresso-- (The Movie??)

"BEEEEP!" the shrill squeal of the train's engine was heard, closely followed by, "BAMPH!" Harry, Ginny, Ron and Hermione immediately broke off their conversations and whipped their heads around just in time to see the soot-covered body of the engineer fly past their compartment for the fifth time in the past hour. A loud crash was heard and, from down the corridor, the strangled voice of the young man was heard: "I'm okay..."

A look of worry on her face, Hermione jumped up from her seat and rushed to open the compartment's door, using both hands to tug on the metallic handle. The door wouldn't budge. Her eyes widening with fear, Hermione proceeded to kick the door, earning herself a stubbed toe for her efforts. Panting with desperation, she turned to see the mouths of her three companions hanging open, each not having moved from when the engineer had sailed past.

"Ahh!" she screamed, "we're doomed... we're stuck here forever... we're all going to die..." As Hermione slid down to the floor, her eyes filled with terror and despair, Harry seemed to snap out of his amazed stupor. Standing up stiffly, he staggered past Ginny and to the door. Offering a hand to help Hermione up, he made sure the hysterical girl was safely in her chair before placing his hand on the door handle. Turning towards her, he solemnly spoke.

"It's a sliding door, 'mione..." He confided before pulling the door smoothly open. Hermione nodded slowly, trying to recover her composure as a soft gasp was heard.

"You saved our lives, Harry!" Ginny squealed, an awed look on her face. Ron, too, looked on in wonder as he comforted his girlfriend.

"Thanks for saving us, mate" he whispered sincerely, tears in his eyes. Blushing slightly, Harry tried to look modest but failed miserably, instead accepting the embrace of the small redhead who had launched herself at him, littering kisses all over his face. Having recovered sufficiently, Hermione stood up to go check on the engineer, only to have to duck back into their compartment quickly as the man strode past with a determined glint in his eye, intent to conquer the savage train. As the four teens settled back into their seats, the rattle of metal wheels was heard as a not-so-familiar food trolley rolled up from the front of the train. Ron leaned out the door to see how far away the trolley was, only to gasp in amazement at the sight that greeted his eyes.

"Bloody hell..." he whispered, shaking his head. Wondering what he was talking about, the others leaned out of the doorway too, looking to the front of the train, only to gasp in amazement as well. A muffled groan was heard and Harry and Ginny looked to the left to see Ron pressed up against the glass, arms akimbo, Hermione having taken the opportunity to snog him ferociously as the others turned away. Looking slightly peeved, Harry turned fully to stare at his best friends, a reprimand on the tip of his tongue. Sighing slightly, he realized it would be useless and decided to take the easy way out.

"Just do it properly this time..." Harry said tiredly, moving his wand in a complex wiggle till he dropped it. Blushing, he tried to hide his face as he bent to pick his wand up, acting as if nothing had happened. Opting to drop the theatrics, he waved his wand and said in a mock look-at-me-I'm-casting-a-very-hard-and-powerful-spell tone (he couldn't help himself), "CHRONOS!" **beep whirr**...

...to see how far away the trolley was, only to gasp in amazement at the sight that greeted his eyes.

"Bloody hell..." he whispered, shaking his head. Wondering what he was talking about, the others leaned out of the doorway too, only to gasp in amazement as well. The simple cast-iron trolley with kindly old lady was no where to be found. In its place, a shining, spiffing stainless-steel, tassel-decked, gilded, state-of-the-art... thing... was being remote-controlled by... wasn't that? No... it couldn't be-- it was! Seamus Finnegan was wearing an enormous hat complete with a West Ham football shirt and a gaudy foam hand to complete the ensemble. 

"Come on, get your ol' favorites! Bumpkin Pasties- 4sickles, Chocolate Hogs- 3galleons for a dozen... Get your Bumpkin Juice, Pepper Blimps, Booger Quills, Ice Dice and special of the day-- the Hogwarts Expresso! Only a galleon a cup!" By the time he was done shouting, he was blue in the face, but a tidy crowd had gathered by his high-tech food cart. Getting out their money bags, the teens prepared to splurge on what seemed to be the cheapest, but worst pronounced, snacks they had ever seen. When Seamus worked his way through the crowd, he took out his remote and began moving again.

"Oi! Seamus, over here! How fast can that baby go?" Ron yelled out, eager to get his food. In answer, their classmate flashed a smile and twisted a knob on the thing till an alarmingly loud beeping was heard. As he depressed the button, there was a loud "bang" (much like the sound of the Knight Bus) and the trolley appeared right in front of Ron. Harry saw a flash of red, and he thought he heard someone gasp, and then his vision was filled by the expansive trolley. The side of the trolley had multiple logos emblazoned all over it, from the Hogwarts Crest to the West Ham flag. Its surface shone brilliantly and seemed to shimmer even as you looked at it. In the midst of it all, a massive 'Seamus' Hogwarts Expressos' had been painted in luminescent green, with large glittery trails which changed colour every few moments.

"What's with the food trolley, Finnegan?" Harry asked as the others looked on (except Ron who was stuffing his face with Bumpkin Pasties with real Bumpkin!). Beaming, Seamus began a seemingly oft-practiced speech.

"Well, I had always wanted to go to see my favorite football club--" Seamus stopped as he was interrupted by Ron and Hermione ("waszfooshballtoquddich"..."Don't talk with your mouth full, Ronald") and continued, looking slightly put-out, "West Ham, but I never had enough money as a child. Using my entrepreneurial spirit, I have decided to sell Hogwarts Expressos to my fellow...blahblahblah"

"Why did you say 'blahblahblah'?" Ginny asked.

"Well, most of the time, someone would have cut me off already... so I kinda didn't write the rest of the speech" Seamus muttered looking sheepishly at the floor. All of a sudden, a scream pierced the air. Everyone stood up, their wands out in an instant (except for Ron who had accidentally pulled out a Booger Quill).

"See? Right on cue..." Seamus tried to lighten the tense atmosphere and make them forget about his embarrassing speech. Ignoring him, the others squeezed around the cart and went down the train. They didn't have to go far. Two compartments away, Luna Lovegood stood in the middle of the corridor, hand pointing at something inside. Wondering what could have frightened her, the quartet moved through the crowd that was beginning to form as students came out to investigate. As they reached Luna's side, Harry peered into the compartment to see... a giant stuffed rabbit? Eh... no... it was some kind of monster with large ears, teeth and... well everything. The teens moved cautiously forward, wands trained on the creature. Seeing that it did not move, Harry reached forward with his wand and prodded it a few times in the stomach/thorax/thinggie. Eliciting no response, Harry reached forward with his hand to touch the creature's head-- no movement. It was dead.

"It is dead," Harry said (A/N: so original, right?), stepping forward to examine the thing better. There was a lot of pushing and shoving as students tried to look at the giant creature.

"It's a Crumple-horned Snorkack!" Luna shouted triumphantly, a manic look in her eye.

"How many times have I said it? Crumple-horned Snorkacks do NOT exist!" Hermione screamed in exasperation. She turned to Ron for support, only to see him squinting at the corpse as if to imagine what a Snorkack would look like. Ron yelped as Hermione jabbed him in the arm and lectured him on listening to his girlfriend.

"Five hundred and twenty one... including the one you just said." 

"What?" Hermione asked breathlessly as she came up for air from snogging Ron as they "made up".

"You've said it five hundred and twenty one times to me in the 5 years I've known you" Luna said softly before wandering dreamily away for no reason at all.

"Uhhuh..." Harry said as everyone recovered from the slight stunning effects of talking to Luna, shaking his head, he continued "anyways, we have to find out what or who this is... erm... I guess I'll have to take charge because the Head Boy and Girl are snogging themselves to death somewhere in the Prefects' cart, the last I saw the adults they were 'grading homework' in the Three Broomsticks with a dozen bottles of Firewhiskey and well... I'm the bleeding Boy Who Lived ain't I? (Harry was interrupted as Ginny whacked him in the head) Ow... erm.. yeah... we'd better find out what or who this is then...any ideas?"

"It's a giant mutated Kneazle!"

"I know...I know... It's a little bunny-- OW!"

"A Kappa, a Kappa!" (Harry later found out that was Seamus advertising his Expresso 'a cuppa' for a galleon)

"Is that... Malfoy??" Ron asked confusedly, drawing all eyes to himself, he continued nervously, "Well... I mean it's wearing Slytherin robes and Malfoy's not here and err... the head and hair look kinda like his...pale blond... erm and... maybe because HIS NAMETAG IS ON THE ROBES!" Ron shouted the last bit, causing everyone to say "DOH!" and slap their left palms to their foreheads, which also resulted in several people who were understaffed in the brains department being knocked out as they forgot they were holding mugs of Expresso.

"Oh Ron, you're a genius!" Lavender squealed and launched herself at Ron, kissing him indiscriminately.

"Hmm... no great loss, but we want to do this right... so now we need to find out what happened and who killed him," Harry stopped as he tried to count the points on his fingers, getting confused till Ginny helped him out. Everyone spun around for no reason and zoomed in on Hermione, who suddenly had a spotlight over her head.

"I know who yo' murderer is..." she drawled in a south-American country accent, she smirked, "It was Professor Plum in the Great Hall, with the lead pipe!" The muggle-borns burst out laughing, the pure-bloods stared on in confusion and Neville started asking what subject Professor Plum taught.

"Oh Hermione, you're a genius!" Lavender squealed again and was suddenly blasted backwards by Hermione ("Eww, get off, Lav!")

"Enough of that," Harry said, trying hard to contain his laughter, he suddenly turned serious, "I think Malfoy was transfigured, why don't you perform the counter-curse Hermione? Maybe we'll be able to discern the cause of death by seeing the state his body was left in..."

"Erm... coughhemhem _Sapiaverto!_" Hermione cried, sending a flash of peach-coloured light towards the corpse. Draco Malfoy's not-very-mangled corpse lay sprawled back partially against his chair and the window. Draco's face was pale, barely contrasting with his platinum-blond hair; his arms seemed to be thrown back in surprise or shock and his wand was loosely lodged between his back and the wall, seemingly having fallen out of his hand when he was killed. (Someone had also used a marker to draw a fake mustache on his face while Harry's eyes had recovered from the spell, but Harry decided to ignore that.) People started shouting out their ideas once more.

"Maybe he was attacked by Death Eaters!" a second year shouted.

"Why would he? He's a Death Eater himself, I'll bet..." Ron said as he lifted up Malfoy's left sleeve to reveal an odd-looking Dark Mark. They all stared at it for a while till they noticed that the skull had choked on the snake and accidentally bitten down on it, not to mention the fact that it was drawn in blue ink and had cute little stars all around the edges. Satisfied, Ron released the sleeve.

"Maybe he died of food poisoning!" Everyone turned to look at Seamus who shrugged.

"Don't look at me, I hadn't even reached his compartment yet..."

"Or maybe, he's a secret agent from muggle Germany during the cold war and he went to the future and was tracked by inter-stellar spies through the galaxy and got killed and they sent his body back to hide the evidence and-- OMPH! OW! censored"

"Anyway, maybe we should check his body for evidence and interview the people who were nearby. Everyone go out so that we can interview them one by one!" Harry ordered, leaving himself and two second years in the compartment."

"Erm... we were snogging and our door was closed... and err... we didn't see anything"

_5 minutes later_

"Erm... we were talking to our friends in Carriage A..."

_4 minutes later_

"Luna was er..."

"Oh just say it, Neville. I was kissing you and our door was closed. We didn't see anything."

_3 minutes later_

"Me and Parvati were sharing a cup of Expresso, and Lavender was showing us some--"

"Shh! Erm... we were just drinking Expressos, er...no... I bought ours earlier in Carriage A and I finished mine and left it on the headboard of the seat and was... talking... to Padma and Parvati..."

"Yeah... so there was this flash of red light when Seamus brought his trolley, and I was sure something hit my super-shiny mug..."

_2 minutes later_

"I can't interview myself! Next!"

_1 minute later_ (someone calls from backstage, "Would you hurry it up? I'm all out of time cards...")

"Has anyone seen Crabbe and Goyle?" Harry asked to the world in general (there is actually no such place as general). Everyone shook they're heads except a Slytherin year four whom Harry then asked to bring them back. A few minutes later, the boy came back with Malfoy's supposed compartment-mates. The pair of rocks with shoulders looked dully around, wondering why there seemed to be a crowd looking at them.

"Crabbe and Goyle... where have you been? Draco Malfoy is dead and you were the ones who were supposed to be inside with him... What happened, who killed Malfoy?" Harry asked, speaking every word slowly so that they could understand him. After several minutes, Goyle began to respond, after his Intel Celeron (A/N: No offense meant) brain had finally processed the infomation.

"Then why don't we wake him up?" he said slowly, feeling the pronunciation of each word as he went. He turned to look at Malfoy and began to amble towards him.

"He's dead, Goyle. He won't wake. Why don't you two tell us where you have been while you weren't here?" Harry tried to direct the conversation to the topic at hand.

"Goyle and I were in the toilet in Carriage D because we had dier-- diarh-- (the author gives up trying to spell this word) because we ate something bad..." Crabbe said, beginning to look uncomfortable. 

"So you have been in the toilet for the past one hour? How come you could you were suddenly okay the moment we asked you to some out? Why...keeps asking questions" Harry did not seem to notice Crabbe and Goyle's green faces and clenched thighs, although he seemed to be purposely looking everywhere but at them.

"WE GOT TO GO!" Crabbe shouted as he and Goyle raced out of the compartment, jaws clenched and bowels aching. Harry smirked and continued with the investigation. He moved towards Draco's body once more, lighting his wand to see if he could pick up any clues on the deceased's robes. Noticing something sticking out of his right-front pocket, Harry leaned in to see a pretty petite stuffed pale pink pygmypuff (made of 100 real cotton!) with its feet made of twisted wires protruding from his pocket. Tiny scratches could be seen on the leather surface where the wire had scratched the upright portion of the chair. The scratches were seen lower on the part near the door than those by the body, but were much shallower than those where Malfoy's body was right now.

"Look here, everyone. Malfoy was thrown back in his seat, either when he was killed or perhaps after that; but I think it was while he was killed, because the scratches appear to be moving upwards over here points to scratches moving upwards as they get closer to the window. He appears to have been sitting right by the door, facing slightly to the right so that the wire on the pygmypuff touched the seat, and then was thrown back along the seat and against the far window, leaving scratches which went in an upwards gradient till the point where his body hit the wall and was stopped," Harry said, quickly piecing the clues together.

"Oh Harry, you're a genius!" Lavender squealed again (again) and was about to launch herself at him before she was hit with a Bat-bogey curse from a fiery red-head's wand.

"Hey... why d'you stop her, Ginny?" Harry asked of Ron's little sister. Ginny turned to look at...me?! ("oomph! OW! ARGH! OKAYOKAY!!!!")

cough

"Hey... why d'you stop her, Ginny?" Harry asked of the pretty red headed girl (who is glaring at me right now). Ginny turned to face Harry, her eyes brimming with theatrical tears.

"Because I love you, Harry Potter! I love you, okay? Go ahead, laugh at me... Poor little Ginny who stopped having a crush on the Boy Who Lived and then FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM!" she screamed, cheeks developing a beautiful pink blush. Harry stared on slack-jawed at the girl who had captured his attentions one year ago as she fought on despite her broken ankle, dared to ride a threstral, supported him in his time of need, had amazing legs, etc. All of a sudden, he recovered and ended her tirade by stepping forward, wrapping his arms around her, pulling her close and planting a tender kiss squarely on her lips.

"Aww..." Everybody chorused.

Kissing sounds intensify as they attempt to survive solely on shared oxygen

"Aww..." Everybody chorused again.

Air in compartment starts to get hot as hands begin to wander

"Eww..." Everybody shouted (isn't synchro great?), bringing the new couple out of their reverie. Harry and Ginny blushed and straightened their clothes and unrumpled their hair. Harry stepped away from Ginny and turned to face the assembled students again.

"Perhaps we should check Malfoy's wand, if he dropped it, logically it means he was holding it and perhaps he had cast a spell against the attacker and... you get the idea don't you?" Harry said looking hopefully around only to see some people shaking their heads, "you don't? Erm... nevermind. Hermione, if you please?" Hermione stepped forwards and whipped her wand out, taking the proffered wand from Harry. She brought the two wand tips together.

"_Priori Incantato!_" she said quietly. Following her spell, pale smoke began to emerge from Draco's wand tip, swirling until it formed a ghostly figure in the air. The students gasped. An exact, albeit black and white, copy of the monstrosity they had seen just now hung motionlessly in the air. Muttering broke out as people discussed what they could make of it. Dean Thomas stepped out of the throng of people.

"Well obviously, someone either used Malfoy's own wand to hex him, or Malfoy's spell somehow backfired. If someone hexed him with his own wand, they must have wrestled it from him or taken it. Perhaps it was someone he knew, and he handed the wand over voluntarily. Or maybe..." Dean stopped abruptly and looked around as if in confusion, he asked, "where did Lavender go?" Lavender stepped out of a corner and glared daggers at Ginny and Hermione. She turned to face Dean.

"Only if you promise no one's going to hex me again..." she said. Seeing Dean's smile, she couldn't help but return it and stepped back into the corner again.

"Oh Dean, you're a genius!" Lavender squealed again (again) (again) and launched herself at Dean, kissing him indiscriminately. Everyone made way as the lip-locking couple stumbled into the next carriage. When everyone had returned to their places, Harry stepped up and began to speak again.

"Okay, I think that Malfoy might have been trying to transfigure something or someone when his spell backfired. That's cause the Parvati twins' compartment door was opened and they did not see or hear any struggle... However, if he was transfiguring something, people would have seen; everyone's attention was focused on Seamus' trolley (The Hogwart's Expresso-- only a galleon a cup!) at one point of time which means that Malfoy's death probably occurred then." Harry stopped and looked pleadingly at Ginny, who shook her head, sighing, he continued, "But of course we are left with the questions... What was Draco trying to transfigure? Why was he doing it? How did his spell backfire? Why won't Ginny kiss me? And why am I asking YOU all these questions??" Harry turned and looked pleadingly at Ginny. Ginny sighed and nodded her head.

"Oh fine...Err..." hemhem

"Oh Harry, you're a genius!" Ginevra squealed and launched herself at Harry, kissing him passionately. The two lovers writhed and moaned, and didn't notice when Luna came strolling back...

"Err... anyone seen Luna?"

"Nope."

"Not me."

"This morning?" someone cried out. Hermione sighed and threw up her hands.

"I don't get paid enough for this!" she huffed.

"You don't get paid at all! We're just fictitious characters created by Ms J.K. Rowling (the best author in the world...) as physical representations of stereotypes in society..." Ron retorted irritated.

"One more smart alecky comment and you're fired!" Hermione shouted back.

"Noo! Please don't! I have a wife and children to support!!" Ron wailed, a horrified look on his face.

"You have a what! Ronald Weasley! GET BACK HERE!" Hermione shouted...

sigh

("CUT!")

_20 minutes later_

("ACTION!")

...and didn't notice when Luna came strolling back.

"Hey Harry, Ginny, Hermione, Ronald, Parvati, Padma...lists everyone in the crowd" Luna said softly as she glided back into Carriage B, "Look who I found in the luggage compartment trying to scare the trunks..." She gestured vaguely behind her. The students parted to reveal a pearly figure. The crowd gasped as one. Harry stepped forward, eyes bulging out.

"M-Malfoy?" he whispered in wonder. Draco Malfoy's form shimmered as he gave a comical twirl. (Intonation: And now it's time for Ask Ashley...)

"Thaaaaats me!" he giggled, allowing a bubble to escape from his mouth, "What you pretty things doing tonight? Heeheehee..." Harry turned to look questioningly at Luna.

"What's wrong with him? You weren't talking to him, were you?" he asked, glancing at the ghost of Draco who was now sticking his head out through literally the window. Seeing Luna shake her head, Harry turned and tried to tug at Malfoy's elbow to get his attention. When the ghost had finally decided to return inside, Harry tried to get back on track with the case.

"So, Mr. Malfoy... are you feeling okay? Is anything wrong?"

"Nope! I'm fine and randy (winks at Ginny only to get slapped)... I mean dandy!! Dandy, I swear!" the flustered ghost tries to regain his composure, only realising after a few minutes that he doesn't have any, he turned back to Harry, "As I was saying... I'm just drunk! You won't believe what (A/N: wait for it...) **spirits** they have in the **afterlife**! (A/N: "Ow... no need to be so physical...")

"DOH!" When the people who had bought Expressos came around again, Harry continued his questioning.

"Draco (you don't mind if I call you Draco do you?), were you murdered?"

"Nope, can't say I was Guv'nur..."

"Did you attempt to cast a transfiguration spell on the (what date is it today?) at approximately 1300 hours?"

"Yes, sir. I did." Harry looks smug and bows to the crowd.

"Did you, or did you not, have the spell rebound on you and ACCIDENTALLY... kill yourself?"

"I don't know, sir." Harry's face turned red.

"What do you mean you don't know? What are they teaching in school nowadays? Elementary Did I Kill Myself courses all forgotten..." Harry grumbles until Ginny cheered him up with a quick snog.

"Why did you cast the spell in the first place?"

"I saw you and young Ms. Weasley talkin' yonder gestures to their compartment and decided to transfigure the ol' bird! ("Hey! Who're you calling old, ghostboy?")" After averting what seemed to be developing into a doomsday situation, Harry turned to face the crowd.

"It is my belief, ladies and gentlemen, that I, Harry James Potter the... well first... have solved the case of the Murdered Malfoy!" he announced with a majestic wave.

"But who dunnit, Harry? Even Draco over here says he doesn't know what happened! Are you saying you know who the murderer is?" Hermione asked, looking put-out, "and how did you solve it before I did??"

"Elementary, my dear Hermione. It was all a case of knowing the what and when. The murderer is... (everyone looks up in anticipation) The Hogwarts Expresso!" Harry was cut off as everyone began speaking at once (synchro again?), when they had finally settled, he continued his explanation, "You see, fellow students, the Hogwarts Expresso might actually be considered the victim in this sad game of spell and trolley... It was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Mr. Malfoy sitting over here Harry moves to the seat closes to the doorway would have the perfect shot at Ginny, who was in my compartment, he probably was just about to cast the spell, when Seamus moved the Hogwarts Expresso cart into the middle of the aisle. As it was traveling so fast, Mr. Malfoy had no opportunity to duck the spell as it flew back at him..." The students moved back as Harry repositions some people and walks into the aisle.

"See here. The spell would have rebounded over the shiny (okay Seamus... Super-shiny) surface of the Hogwarts Expresso trolley, and into the Parvati Twins' and Lavender's compartment. If it rebounded at this angle, it would have hit Lavender's Expresso cup over here on the headrest, and the bounced off its Super-shiny surface to hit the window. Hitting the glass would probably have made it reflect into the Twins' cup and from there back at Draco, where it hit him and knocked back into the window!" He finished triumphantly before looking around to see the confused looks of everyone in the crowd, he sighed and took a piece of parchment out of his pocket.

"Okay, why don't you all just look at this piece of explanatory parchment that I just happen to have in my pocket... see?" After the nods of affirmation had stopped, Hermione stepped forward again, desperate to keep her position as smartest in her year.

"But- but... why did his transfiguration spell kill him? It shouldn't even have been powerful enough to knock him back, let alone kill him..." she protested.

"Hmm... that's quite simple when you think about it..." Harry said, turning to look at The Hogwarts Expresso cart, he continued as he looked at Seamus, "That isn't a real cart, is it? If he didn't have enough money to go see West Ham, why would he have enough to buy a state-of-the-art trolley? The answer: he transfigured it from something else! (Seamus nods and shows an unnatural interest in his feet) When the spell hit the Expresso, it must have gained some energy from it, thus when it returned to Malfoy, it was powerful enough to knock him back and mess with his heart or something..." Harry looked up at Malfoy's ghost and grinned evilly.

"There's only one way to find out... Everybody move out of the way. Draco, ("Yes, my pretty?") would you please move here right next to the door? Okay... now all I have to do is aim here..." Harry bent down through Draco and aimed his wand, before leaning all the way back out of the way, saying to him, "This is going to hurt you more than it is going to hurt me..." The ghost nodded tipsily before spinning around in realization.

"Hey!" he cried, but Harry had already muttered the incantation.

There was a bright red flash and everyone was blinded for a moment. A soft ringing filled the air as the two Expresso cups in the Twins' compartment vibrated on the spot. Everyone turned expectantly to look at Malfoy's ghost. It was no where to be found.

"Where did he go, Harry?" someone shouted. Harry turned in confusion as he noticed the ghost's absence. Everyone crowded into the compartment, searching the overhead racks and under the seats. Just then, someone had the sense to look out the window.

"Hey, look everybody! A rabbit-shaped cloud!" Sure enough, Malfoy's ghost had been transfigured and blasted off the train and into the sky. Just as the train turned the bend into King's Cross and the cloud rolled out of sight, some of them could have sworn it started to sing a song about cute little bunnies. Everyone turned to look at Harry.

"You were right, Harry! You solved the murder... but what are we going to do about the body?" Ginny asked. Frowning slightly, Harry turned to the crowd.

"Any ideas?"

"Nope."

"Uh uh, Clean out."

"Why don't you all buy Hogwarts Expresses?"

And so they lived happily ever after and told his parents he had been snogged to death. Ron went out with Hermione and they got married (ignoring his wife and children), Lavender and Dean never broke up (it's true, they're still at it!), Seamus got enough money to buy his football ticket to see West Ham (but continued the Hogwarts Expresso afterwards because everyone loved it) and Harry and Ron's little ARGHHHHH! Alright! Alright! grumblegrumble

...see West Ham (but continued the Hogwarts Expresso afterwards because everyone loved it) and Harry and Ginny went out and had twelve children who became Ministers of Magic in General till they realized that it was just a figure of speech. 

The End

("That's a wrap people!") 

_A/N: My first attempt at both comedy and an SIYE challenge, I really hope that you all enjoyed it (if not, don't hesitate to review and tell me why it sucked). It was a really fun story to write and I would like to acknowledge SpongeBobSquarePants as the source for some of the edited jokes and my twisted sense of humor for the rest. Vote the Hogwarts Expresso! (P.S. This author actually knows how to spell diarrhea... lalalala.) Thanks for reading, now review :)_

Copyright © Geoffrey Lim 2006

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

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